It's probably just me. [25 Dec 2009|02:41pm] horndog08 [ music | Haylcon-Orbital ] This is the first time I'm getting emotional during the holidays. I don't know why, and it's hard to even tell what is causing me to become melancholy. It's possible that the arguments that flared up last night caused it. I hate seeing my mom get upset while my grandparents (on her side) are around; I can tell it's really hard for her too. I hate that Adrian isn't here with me. The thought of him alone back in Davis-- it's just so unfair. I still want to do something for him today somehow but I don't know what, my sister is using my mom's car...my only form of transportation at the moment other than my own two feet. This morning went well though, and then we watched Up. I got a little too sad than warranted. Luckily I was able to leave the room before anyone noticed. There's this urge for me to want to go HOME, but now home is like half here and half in Davis. I still have five more christmas gifts I need to get and it's going to be tough because my check from work that I was supposed to get two days ago is being postponed to around January 6th. I got all the gifts done that needed to be dispersed today though... I need to think about happy things... I think everyone like the gifts that I gave out. Well, my sister and Matt ended up already having the DVD I got them, but I saved the receipt so it's okay. I got some pretty good loot as well. Here's the run down in no particular order: Cushiony board thing I can put between my laptop and my lap (currently being used!) Nalgene bottle (totally Davis-appropriate) Puzzle box with secret compartment which had $20 in it Alfani v-neck sweater Up (the movie) Cateye bike lights (one for front and back. Cateye makes the best bike lights!!!) "How to boil water" (great cookbook for college students. Especially ones like me who can't really cook...) $100 gift card to Safeway. Thank god for that Safeway gift card. With my budget the way it is, I would be surviving off frosted mini-wheats and my $5 gift card for Starbucks while back in Davis before I got my check. I usually buy my own groceries, so that was really nice of my parents to do that. Especially because it's around the end of the month and rent is nearly due (which they also help paying for). Yesterday I went to "Apple Time" which is kind of like See's candy, only apple themed. I was super skeptical, but it was really nice in there. I bought a $17 box of truffles and had one or two, and gave the rest to my family. My clarinet is still in the shop, I'm really hoping I can get it back tomorrow or Sunday. At this point, it's pretty much a necessity that I get it before Monday. ( Read more ) 2 comments|post comment

Maybe a little isolated [19 Dec 2009|03:06am] horndog08 [ music | Do you hear me? ] I haven't been back home in too long, and it seems like I hardly know anyone now. I miss my biggest worries being getting to bed on time. Looking good for class... I wish I could have told myself how much easier it was than it seemed to be at the time. I don't want to become one of those old married people who has no friends. I don't want my life to mellow between an office building and the four walls of what would be my home. I need to have some kind of wild card in life... Apparently people don't have reasons for why they do or don't believe in god. The biggies are "that's what my parents believe" or "why not?" How is this a question people dismiss so easily? Am I the only one looking for an answer? Even a question would be fine. Christmas doesn't look good. I'd give the statistic, but I don't want to give it away... wouldn't be my first ruined christmas anyways. I'm starting to find excuses to be angry.. and it's working. Time to find my bed in the sea of disorganization.. 1 comment|post comment

I actually wrote this last night.. [15 Dec 2009|08:31pm] horndog08 I guess there are some things not meant for the internet. I wish I could just pour everything out that I wanted to say and let my frustration materialize into some five digit archive number. It would only be another speck of sand, but it would still be there, you know? Some things are just too serious to blog about not anonymously... I guess a good indication of your life being fucked over is when you're too scared to blog about some of the shit going on when it seems like no one even reads this anyways. I remember when I was starting to realize that I was gay and that there was no turning back to hoping to be straight. I guess there are some things I'll never be able to reverse. The other day I was lying down in bed when I thought..."So Jesus, where did we leave off?" It's not much of a question, really. I remember when I was 13 begging to be someone I would never be. I've been attempting some soul searching without much achieving. I've been realizing that I really don't want to believe that religion and god are manufactured tools of propaganda by some governing force. Part of me wishes I could have faith. Having faith in someone or something else would be a lot easier than having faith in only myself and...the unknown? Or whatever it is I believe. I don't know why we have school, or jobs, or get excited about clothing lines. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all and go to an uncharted speck of an island somewhere off Greece or Africa, and just start over. 4 comments|post comment

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